Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011)

Written by: Ehren Kruger
Directed by: Michael Bay
Starring: Shia LeBeouf, Rosie Huntington-Whitely, and Patrick Dempsey
Reviewer: Brett Gallman
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“You have made a grave mistake…”
Reviewer's Rating: * ½ (One and a Half Stars)

The ongoing war between the Autobots and the Decepticons rages on; this time, the latter ones (they’re the bad guys) attempt to acquire some ancient technology that will allow them to bring their home planet of Cybertron to Earth. Sam Witwicky (Shia LeBeouf, who spends much of the first hour looking for a job, as if we care) and his new hot girlfriend (Rosie Huntington-Whiteley) get caught up in it due to a contrived series of events. Though still very much convoluted and perforated with plot holes, this is better than Revenge of the Fallen. That only means it's only a slightly less insulting and vapid showcase of robots bludgeoning both each other and the audience's senses.

Bay at least holds up his end by filming mostly coherent action scenes (though they're so loosely connected, they come off as being like different levels in a video game), displaying those well-done CGI effects, and giving us a myriad shots of the new supermodel in suggestive positions. He also exhaustively blows a lot of stuff up and lets most of the cast act obnoxiously, as if they were under the influence of heavy narcotics. I’m pretty sure John Malkovich cameos as Jack Nicholson circa ’89, and Ken Jeong (with penis concealed, thankfully) seemingly wanders in straight from the set of The Hangover. The most understated performances come from Tyrese and Optimus Prime, probably because each is saddled with wooden soundbites for dialogue.

In addition to Malkovich, the presence of other Coen Brothers standards John Turturro and Frances McDormand only make me ponder what Ethen and Joel’s take on Transformers would be like. My guess? A lot better and with 100% more dead Steve Buscemi. I feel like Optimus Prime should have uttered the above line as the girl at the box office printed out my ticket.

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