Directed by: Marcus Nipsel
Starring: Jason Momoa, Stephen Lang, Rachel Nichols, and Rose McGowan
Reviewer: Brett Gallman
Reviewer's Rating: ** (Two Stars)
This update from serial remaker Marcus Nispel ain’t your daddy’s Conan. No, this is the Conan the Barbarian movie you probably dreamed up as a 14 year old, as it’s loaded to the gills with boobs and severed heads. Not only that, but said severed heads are sometimes used to bludgeon other foes, just in case you were wondering how over-the-top and ridiculous this version is. In it, we follow the exploits of Conan (Jason Momoa) from the womb--literally, as we see him ripped from his mom right on the battlefield. He grows up seeking vengeance for the death of his father (an absurdly bearded but awesome Ron Perlman), so he has to hack his way through hordes of enemies in some herky/jerky action scenes; fret not, though, Nispel is aware that you want to see a bunch of CGI blood and limbs flying everywhere, and he’s glad to provide that.
He also seems intent on grounding Conan in a grim, gritty world; the whimsy of the previous adventures is traded in for something a little more brutal and unrelenting. I missed the more fantastic elements--the imaginative creatures (there’s only some sand warriors and a largely unseen serpent here), the otherworldly landscapes, fantastical sorcery, etc. This just sort of feels like any other prehistoric age rather than “an age undreamed of.” Also missing is a lead character that even remotely resembles a likeable human being. Momosa plays it like Conan was also dropped on his head on the battlefield, as Conan is re-imagined as a sort of boorish frat boy with a penchant for spitting on people and treating women terribly. Forget the gentle giant that Schwarzenegger portrayed; this guy is a monosyllabic brute who mostly speaks in trailer sound-bytes (despite the fact that he’s quite eloquent as a kid.) That his love interest (Rachel Nichols) falls for him is the only thing more preposterous than the film’s coked-up tone. Most alarming is that the two fall for each other after she becomes more like him, when it should obviously be the other way around.
Somehow, Nipsel occasionally wins out; maybe it’s because the film is dialed up at full volume and never relents, but it feels about half of its runtime. Had it featured a more noble title character, it might have been completely worthwhile. However, I was mostly just left with a troubled brow.
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